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4 Things I learned from a halfway decent online dating profile

One problem with having tons of friends in artistic fields is having to scroll through seemingly endless Facebook posts and shares detailing insidiously biased and dim-witted articles.  As someone who doesn’t go on Facebook often – save only for networking or catching up with old friends – constant bombardment with the stream of internet idiocy that “friends” fail to articulate in real life makes the thought of abandoning Facebook seems like a better and better idea by the day.

Oh Facebook, I just can’t seem to quit you…

I usually avoid getting sucked into these sorts of things, but one article really got under my skin for some reason.  You can see the article here:

Now it should come as no surprise that Cracked panders to the lowest common denominator and churns out controversial, popular posts solely for the purpose of perpetual idiocy (I’d love to be the guy or gal behind that revenue stream.)  However, being both a frequenter of the Manosphere and having had experience with online dating, I couldn’t believe that people actually thought this was a bad profile – let alone the “worst online dating profile ever.”

The whole premise of the article and profile shows that the girl who wrote it and the vast majority of commenters have no idea how the online dating game works – and here’s why:

 This is not the “worst profile ever”                                                                                                                                                            “My wonderful friend Rae allowed me to use some of her pictures for the profile…she is a model.”

Wait, aren’t we trying to make the worst profile ever?!  Right out of the gate, a glaring mistake– did she really think nobody would message?  If I wanted to make the worst profile ever, it would be a picture of Honey Boo Boo’s mom whose interests include eating Cheetos and being curvy.

Also – listing your body type as 5’4” and thin – are you kidding me?  By OKC standards your pretty much Aphrodite…

Content of the Profile only matters for  Dudes                                                                                                                                             Getting dates and hooking up was ridiculously easy with online dating.  However, the messaging process was frustrating and brutal.  You see plenty of articles in mainstream media outlets who at least manage to point out that women by far receive more messages than men, since the sites themselves cater to women.  It’s the same business strategy as a bar – you get the women, the men come.  Or as Diamond Fuckin’ David Lee Roth said, “Van Halen’s success came from getting the girls turned on and dancing, they bring their boyfriends to the show and buy twice the tickets!”

While women expect men to have perfectly tailored profiles with professional photos, a complete biography, and candid shots rescuing kittens from fires, they simply don’t understand that men message HUNDREDS of women before a handful even bother to read his profile, and maybe one or two will respond back.  This is supply and demand – there’s demand for even the most wretched girl’s profile (as the original article unintentionally proves) but there is an endless supply of guys who must stand out in order to survive.   This means for guys the “online” part is much harder, but once you get to the point where you’re on an actual date it gets easier.

The messages                                                                                                                                                                                                 “Maybe none of them read her profile, or maybe they thought that she was fun-crazy instead of actually-ruin-your-life crazy. I just had to convince them that she was the latter. My new goal was to get these men to stop messaging her back.”

Okay, I think the best way for you to convince them is to message all 150 men and lead them on.  Getting a response on OKC is like finding water in the Sahara, when I was online, I’d assume ANY response was interest.

Although she is trying to be a total cunt, her messages about pulling out teeth and making false pregnancy claims read as sarcastic, try-hard dark humor.  Because she is hot.  And hot girls can pretty much get away with anything.  If I got a message reading “I will use my sex as a weapon and want to pull out your tooth” I’d read that as gold.  Sure, the bitch is crazy, but there is opportunity to turn that around slow down – we haven’t even met yet…  To me, it makes her sound dorky and fun, which is a plus.

It’s always Men’s fault                                                                                                                                                                                        I’d love to see what would happen if a guy did the exact same experiment.  Let’s use a picture of Brad Pitt and message girls telling them you’re going to impregnate them and pull out their teeth.  Commenters even said it was the guys fault for messaging her again, even though they read the profile…hmm, in business it’d be considered fraud to deliver a product not as advertised.  In dating, this is called manipulation and is why we have things like the “selfie” and “fat girl camera angle” and henna tattoos.

My biggest problem is that people read this article and inevitably comment on dating and social construct blah blah (Think Queen all we hear is cultural ga-ga, cultural bla blah)  They walk away thinking men still have a long way to go, when I’d argue there are more good, talented, hardworking men who’d be an superior catch in the field than there are decent women – they’re just caught up trying to manipulate the douches.   The whole post says more about the girl who wrote it and how the general public has no clue how to have dating success.

So in summary, making an online profile of a model and filling it with outrageous jokes about making a sex weapon while listening to Aaron Carter and then proceeding to message 150 guys does not a bad profile make.


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